its ok even it hurts

All people being fake with me.I dont know to who should I put trust on ? i've been treat by them badly.they blame me on everything.but they never realise how long I've be endure all the treatment they'd thrown to me without they even realise or should I say they dont want to realise.
Ive got a lot of problem and yet they think that i should share my problem with them.
How could I am when now all my trustness to them already lost.
They said everything that could be said. to find all my faults and yet they never want to ever admit their own mistake.instead, I am try to change to be better followed by their preferences.I know they will never know.But all these times,I feel on my own that I am a robot that been controlled by others.People knows my weakness and they use it well to attack me slowly.
how I am going to do when I know I all alone all these times.
Nobody going to back up me and they will together find all my faults.
I hate to be here.My heart is not here anymore.
I am try to be tolerant and patient.
I GETTING TIRED with all people

what I am most saddest is ?
a friend that I thought I can lean to her.
I can tell her everything between us.
I can be playful to be around.
and yet everything is slowly lost.
I am infront of her eyes.
alhtough that she will never admit it.
just a girl who she always feel angry with.
just a girl who made tons a mistakes.
just a girl who always selfish and never think about others

when she's alone then.
I am scared to saw her all alone.
when she's brokenheart then.
I am hurt to saw her all sad alone.
I am trying to make her happier.
I am trying to make her feel that she still got a people beside her,

and now.when time goes around.
here I am alone.
I can't even tell her everything now.
Since I dont know whether she can keep it secret or not.
I have a lot of problem.
she will never know.
she's just think I am just heartless girl who never care about others' heart
she's just think.I am keep hurting others without a reasons.
and 
here since I am always with her all these times.
I have nobody now.
maybe yes.we need at least to get along for study related.
but for the private matter.just can't.
she's luckier since she's got a lot of friend and a roomate.
people always like to siding her.
yes I know comparing me with her just..there are bigger gap between us.
she's just like real muslimah.everything about her seem so nice.
and me here.I cant even describe it myself
I am lacking alot.I have nothing to be proud with.
I really have nothing at all.
TO put it simply..
I am just a fat girl without smart brain and without the beauty,
without good and likeable personality,
never been an attractive girl..
yes.I know I am lacking A LOT !
people no need to say it.I am realise it all myself.
I always aware since I am never been the person who people will love to be with.So I need to be nice to everyone.
But its getting tired to be nice to eveyone.since they will expect me to be like that all the time.
I cant even hurt.i cant even feel angry.I cant even sulking.I cant even moody.I cant even crying out loud.I cant even do anything because they will hate it.
They will think that everything that have been done by me is extragrated.
is overating.
but yeah.they will never admit it but I know all of these from their expression.
I am been treated like this not only for once.
when I am in mindle school and high school.
people always bullied me here and there.
But I wonder why I am never getting used with these kind of treatment ?


and for real.honestly.beside one friend from other class.
Yes.I have friends from my class.
but just friends.They are someone I can call "friends".
friends only for everything related to study matters.
Sometimes,I am feel like strangers.because I know they cant get along well with me.maybe one or two of them can.

and me.infront of others' eye.
just a girl who keep hurting an innocent girl.
just a girl who always have a worst personality.